When I was a kid, all I wanted was to fit in.  It was nearly impossible to blend in during the 70′s, an awkward, undiagnosed ADHD kid with chocolatey skin and the darkest hair.  My parents, newly arrived immigrants, had the opposite goal.  They had no interest in my integration into the Minnesotan, Norwegian, Lutheran culture.  By the time I left for college I had placed several important experiences in my black box.

What’s the black box?  It’s the place you deposit certain memories along with a vow that you will not be placed in that situation again.  I wanted to be accepted and I also wanted to be free to pursue my destiny, my identity.

Sounds like good stuff, doesn’t it?  What could be wrong with freedom and acceptance?  Nothing is wrong with either, nothing but the location- the Black Box.  For years, I did not acknowledge those remnants from  my childhood.  I continued to grow and learn as a business woman, a wife, a mother and friend.

Yet, when I encountered a controlling boss, I became extremely unhappy and my creativity and passion shriveled.  Why?  Unbeknownst to him, he had trifled with the contents of my black box, that memory of being controlled and the desire to never be in that situation again.

A few years later I went on a trip to Chicago with a group of women and while I went to the bathroom, one of the catty ladies made fun of my overly-verbose personality.  When I found out about it later, I felt deeply hurt by a women I barely knew and to this day feel a resentment every time I run into her.  She had had a “let’s hurt Liz” party with the contents of my black box.

You have a black box, with thoughts and memories that can stimulate negative actions and mindsets.  You can’t get rid of it without a lobotomy.  So what should you do?

1. Acknowledge what is in there.  It’s affection your life anyway, so you might as well get real!
2. Recognize those voices.  They are there to protect you, but the protections they offer are childish, only offering options such as FIGHT or RETREAT!  See and embrace the other choices and responses.
3. Create new memories to counter your black box experiences.  Seek out people who aren’t controlling, are respectful, are willing to support your success.  After a while, those black box stimulants will not have so much power

YOUR ACTIVITY:  Grab a piece of paper and write down the phrase…”I never want to” at the top.  Then, write down the situations and feelings you never want to experience again.  You are expert in this situation, uniquely trained to avoid those painful circumstances because of a past experience.  What is that experience.  Take the next week to watch what happens when someone or something makes you feel uncomfortable.  Are they playing in your black box?  Realize where this negative energy is coming from.  

Look for more inspiration from Liz by watching Life Dare TV!  Don’t be afraid, try a challenge of your own with the 30 Days of You community.  Or, book Liz as a speaker for your organization with Nead Inspiration!